Thoughts
by SongBird88
Summary: I feel like I left you in the dark after the last book of the Dream Series so these are the thoughts of Nights and his friends after they come back to life. Warning: Nights' is a little difernt then you think it would be. I like reviewes so review
1. Nights' thoughts

Nights' thoughts

Before I went to Nightmare, people said I was carefree and happy, but now, I don't agree with them.

After being numbed my life became different, I could do what I wanted when I wanted how I wanted, I was the master's great creation. If someone did something that displeased me I could have them executed, destroyed, so no one ever denied me what I wanted, and I enjoyed it too, oh yes I did, feeling superior, above everyone else. And, as the numbing continued, I became vicious, even to Reala, my own brother, but I didn't care; he couldn't stop me. Then it became scary. I would punish myself whenever I did the slightest thing wrong, I cut my arms open, and my neck, and now I can't scream I can't cry I can barely laugh, though I don't really care; I don't do much laughing anymore.

Then the numbing was completed and I only cared about master, every thing I did was for master, I could not go a day without master's touch, it killed me to watch him leave me alone with the Nightopians and that traitorous Reala.

Then I was able to reclaim my life, my mind, but I was never the same. Anger came naturally, hatred coursed trough my veins, and you know what, sometimes, I enjoy it; the anger burning in my chest, the hatred turning my blood to fire; pain is my haven now, sadness is my sweet escape.

But of course that isn't the end, oh no, not by a long shot. My mind has been permanently skewed up; I am on the edge of insanity, and you know what I don't care, I don't care that I lose three days every month, I don't care that I've taken too many sedatives, I don't care that I might go completely insane sooner or later, I'd rather be totally insane then on the brink; so much pain…confusion; I don't know who I am anymore; am I Nights, or something much more sinister?

The only comfort I find anymore is in my brother's arms, he's afraid for me, and he doesn't want me to get hurt anymore, but he doesn't know the pain I'm always in, he doesn't know how many nights I've lied awake, praying for relief; for the pain to subside, I don't care how it happens, god could take my breath for all I care I just want it to all go away; the pain, the anguish, the worry. Every time I yawn, or trip, my friends ask if I'm lapsing, losing control of my mind, I tell them I'm o.k. but they look at me out of the corners of their eyes to make sure I'm still me; I hate it, I hate it, I hate them for worrying, I hate them for caring, I just want them to leave me alone!

I just don't know what to do anymore, I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't, I just want to die, but I can't, I could never take my life; leave the warmth and security of my brother's arms, never.

They say that when I lapse I hurt myself when I do something wrong, and I lash out at people if I feel threatened, how many people have I hurt? No one ever tells me, but I want to know, they say that they don't want me to be more depressed then I already am, and I tell them I'm not depressed I'm going insane, then Reala hugs me and kisses my forehead and tells me that I shouldn't think that, because it isn't true, but it is, they don't know, they don't, I feel my sanity leave me bit by bit; mad laughter threatening to damage my voice, my thoughts become more and more demented every day, and it scares me and yet… I need to stop before the thoughts creep back into me…

But who really cares if they do or don't they make me strong, they sooth my aching heart, to lose my self in my insanity, give myself up and let it seep into my conscious until I can not control myself anymore, and… no, no I need to wake up I-I… I need Reala, I can't do this anymore, please dear god make it go away… I need to go, I need to sleep, I think I'm lapsing I cant stay awake I'm done…


	2. Reala's thoughts

Reala's thoughts

He sleeps in my arms, and cries into my chest, I wish I could do more.

I hear him cry at night praying through his tears, asking god to take his breath away, it kills me to hear it. He tries to fake it, hide his pain, his agony, but you can see it in his eyes. I know he wants to scream, I know he wants to die, I'm so scared that he might fall asleep and never wake up, that he'll lapse and stay that way, and I'm most definitely afraid that he'll take his own life just to make the pain go away, but what can I do?

When he lapses he's so scared to be alone, be without me, I'm his security, his comfort, and I can't help but stay with him, let him sleep against my chest, there's nothing else I can do, I don't wish to be the cause of his tears.

He doesn't know that, when I can't sleep, I sit by his bedside and watch him wriggle and moan in pain, and I pray to whoever is listening up there to make his pain go away, I even ask that it would be given to my; I can't watch my young brother suffer anymore.

I do think that maybe he is going mad, but I shake those thoughts away, 'he will get better' I tell myself, 'look at how he has progressed,' I tell myself, 'he barely lashes out at anyone anymore,' I tell myself, but it's a lie, all of it. Sometimes he tells me he wants to just give up; I tell him that he can't, he tells me that if it gets to the point when he cannot even move his fingers without burning pain he wants me to…to…but I can't, I won't, what ever he says I won't do it, it's not going to get to that point…is it?

Adia cries too, I think she's heard Nights' thoughts about suicide as well, but I can't do anything to sooth her broken heart either…I cant…we're all scared for Nights, we don't know what to do to help him, we're at a lose, all we can do is keep him safe when he lapses, and keep him alive when he's not, and that means we need to watch over him, and because of that I don't get very much sleep any more, but I don't care; if it keeps Nights alive for another day I would stay awake, and by his side forever, but of course Adia cares about my health more then I do, and sends me to sleep while she takes care of Nights.

I still can't stop blaming myself for this; I wish I would have seen it coming, I would take my own life if it meant that Nights could live like he used to; happy and ridiculous, I would have begged the Wizemin to let me take his place; I just want him to be happy again, is that to much to ask?

I don't want to see him writhe in pain anymore; I don't want to see him go somewhere private to cry, I don't want to see him lash out at his friends for the small things, I don't want to see him pray for death anymore, and most of all I don't want to watch him slowly go mad.

There he is now, he doesn't look too good, he must be lapsing. All I can do is hold him in my arms until he falls asleep, I hate watching him lapse, but he doesn't want to be with anyone else when he does. so it shall start, again…


	3. Adia's thoughts

Adia's thoughts

Nights is lapsing again, it's hard to watch, even for Reala; who's seen it more times then I can count.

Every time Nights greets me in his lapsed state he says: hello Adia, and strokes my cheek, I haven't told anyone that the cheek he strokes is the same one that he slapped three years ago; always that cheek, it pains and saddens me.

He goes out at night sometimes, and I follow him. He goes to the edge of a cliff, never the same one, and just stares over the edge, a look of sadness and hatred on his face. His body language tells me that every bone in his body is screaming for him to stop, why'll the messed up part of his brain tells him that it's the only way to stop the pain; for him and the ones he loves, but it's not true. Him taking his life would only give us more sorrow, especially Reala, he's worked so hard to keep Nights alive, and if Nights dies…I don't want to think of what Reala would do.

I wish Nights could be happy again, he barely smiles he never laughs, and he seems so angry, all the time. I feel like I can't do anything, I feel like I'm just in the way, but Reala says I'm never in the way, he says that he wouldn't be able to take care of Nights if I wasn't around, he sometimes calls my their unofficial mom, and I guess that is my role; keeping them in line, bandaging their wounds, caring for them when they're sick, making sure they stay fed and healthy…I guess they couldn't do anything without me.

Nights is moaning now, but that is only the beginning. We don't really know what Nights will do when he lapses, sometimes he's violent, sometimes he becomes scared and clings to Reala until Reala tells him everything is fine, sometimes he falls asleep, and other times he just cries and cries, and I can't take it.

Matsu, E.C., and Reginald are here watching, waiting to jump into action if the situation arose. Teara is here too standing at my side, she knows how I feel, I confide in her, she's a healer and a therapist, how convenient. But, no mater how hard she tries, she can't get through to Nights, and some of the rebels are starting to think that he doesn't want to get better; _he's just doing it for attention, _they say, _he's just having a pity party, _they say, but they're wrong; I know it, Teara knows it, E.C. Matsu and Reginald know it, and Reala knows it more then anyone, that this is far from a pity party.

Nights is wriggling a bit, he might get violent, or sick. Teara, E.C., Matsu, and Reginald went closer, but I'm going to stay here; I don't want to see Nights lapse unless it's completely necessary. It's frightening to watch, in some cases he looks like he's gone insane; he laughs madly, his eyes roll in their sockets, and he talks nonsense. Other times he looks likes he's in unimaginable pain; his eyes are screwed shut, but the tears still pour, he moans, he cries out, and asks Reala to make it stop, and it's those times that make Reala cry because he knows what Nights is asking for when he wants it to go away.

I have to go; I can't watch this anymore…I want it all to stop…


	4. Reginald's thoughts

Reginald's thoughts

I hate watching this, Nights' pain, but no mater how hard I try I cant look away.

It wasn't Reala's fault that this happened; no one thinks it is except for him. Reala couldn't have stopped the Wizemin, not alone anyway; he didn't even see this coming, no one did. In the beginning we thought it was great, we were all happy to have an old ally back, especially one as powerful and confident as Nights. Yeah he was odd with his whole 'positive emotions' thing, but some of us knew that he was right, at least I did, but as the days went by he seemed to become more and more distant, and moved closer to the master he once despised. And then, he was gone.

Nights is crying now, but not like pained sobs, I think it might be over. Reala tells us to go about our business, but after that no one wants to leave till we know that Nights is stable. Reala walks into the crystal castle, where all the Nightmarens live now, Nights clutches him fearfully, and Reala holds him securely in his arms; whispering calming words and wiping Nights' tears. We watch them till they disappear, then the crowed disperses, but I think I'm going to stay here for a while, and think.

Matsu says that Nights is suicidal, and I can't help but think he might be right. Adia and Reala are keeping something from us, and Matsu thinks it's Nights' attempts of suicide, I tell him that I don't think Nights has ever attempted to kill himself, but I'm pretty sure he thinks about it; I would.

What was his first lapse…it was a year ago I think. He was alone in the Castile library taking books off the shelves, some he glanced at, others he just dropped without any notice; I think it was Adia that found him first, the conversation is still a little foggy in my mind but it went something like this:

Adia: Hey Nights.

Nights: … (Drops book)

Adia: What are you doing?

Nights: I'm looking for something. (Glances at a book and drops it)

Adia: and what is that?

Nights: …I don't know… (Pushes a few books off the book case)

Adia: Are you O.K. Nights?

Nights: I'm O.K. I'm O.K. I'm O.K.

Adia: I'm going to go get Reala.

Nights: no! (Grabs Adia's arm) I'm O.K. I'm O.K.

Adia: No Nights you're not, come on, I'm taking you to Teara.

As they walked down one of the corridors they ran into me, E.C., and Matsu and our conversation went like this:

Me: hey Adia, Hey Nights.

Adia: Hey guys.

Nights: (sways and stares blankly at the ground)

E.C.: Nights are you O.K.?

Nights: I'm O.K. I'm O.K. I'm O.K.

Matsu: you don't sound O.K.

Me: he sounds perfectly mind numbed, if you ask me.

Adia: I was thinking the same thing.

Nights: (lets go of Adia's hand and heads back towards the library)

Adia: Nights come back (grabs his hand again)

Nights: (lashes out violently, and hits Adia in the nose) no! I'm looking for something; I need to find it now!

Reala: (Speeds up the hall and grabs Nights by the arm and whirls him around) Nights! You know you can't do that to your friends, say you're sorry!

Nights: (Screaming and writhing in Reala's grip) No! No! No! I'm looking for something; I need to find it now!

Reala: (worried) Nights what's wrong? You sound like you're numb again.

Nights: (stops wriggling and sways again) I'm O.K. I'm O.K. I'm O.K. (begins to cry) I'm not O.K. Reala, it hurts make it stop.

Reala: What? What hurts?

Nights: (moans) everything hurts, make it stop; make it go away, I can't take it anymore!

Reala: (Hugs Nights) don't worry, I'll take you to Teara and she'll fix it.

Nights: No! No! She can't fix it, I want you to fix it, I want you to make it stop, please, I'm going to die!

Reala: You're not going to die, I won't let that happen.

Nights: I'm so tired Reala… (Droops against Reala's chest)

Reala: (Picks Nights up) just make sure you wake up O.K.

Nights: why wouldn't I… (Yawns and lays his head on Reala's shoulder)

Reala: Just go to sleep Nights, I'll be here when you wake up.

Nights: (groggily) you promise?

Reala: (voice cracks) Yes, I'm not going to leave you.

And then they went down the hall and disappeared.

I can't think about this anymore it's a real mood wrecker, I have to leave anyway. I just hope Nights will get better…someday…


	5. EC's thoughts

E.C.'s Thoughts

I'm scared that Nights is going to take his own life but no mater how hard I try there is nothing I can do.

Reala told us to go about our business, every time he says that Matsu says: what business? And he's right. I'm sitting on the bank of a river; I think they call it 'clear water river' or something like that.

My favorite thing to do here is to practice using my aura charge, I can pick water up out of the river with it; I actually caught a fish once, Matsu laughed and laughed, then he took it and cooked it; didn't eat it, I felt too guilty.

Nights was the one who helped me learn to use my aura charge, but I haven't had a chance to show him how much I've progressed since then, he always seems to be somewhere else. I wish I could do something to help him, return the favor, because I am so grateful that he taught me.

Matsu is floating over my head, I can fly now too, but for some reason I prefer walking. I think I'll hit him with some water…no I'm not that cruel, but he is asking for it…ha bull's-eye. Now he's mad, I'm going to go for a walk.

Nightopia is a beautiful place, I'm amazed that the Wizemin hated it, maybe he was as blind as we were when he had control over our lives, or maybe he had a Nightopian girl friend that dumped him, at least that's what Matsu says.

Adia's sulking; she hates to see her best friend lapse, maybe I'll go talk to her…no she doesn't want to talk to anyone right now, maybe I'll go talk to Teara…no, I think I'll just lie down and look at the clouds…that one looks like a bunny…Nights used to love cloud watching, or so I'm told, he would find clouds that looked like different things and make up stories, I wish I could have been there…I wonder what time it is…I'm too tired to get up and ask someone…look it's Reginald…

_What are you doing?_

Being board, do you know what time it is?

_Half past boredom _

Thank you

_No problem_

I will never get that guy; he always has something witty to say. Sigh…I wonder if Nights is O.K. maybe Reala will let me see…I'm going to go see…

Reala let me in. Nights is sleeping, quietly, it's not very often that he sleeps like that. Reala is solemn, he doesn't like to see his brother like this, none of use do, but at the moment there is no cure. Teara is working on a solution, but she's had no luck so far. I told her that if she needs any help she can rely on me, but so far she hasn't needed help. All I want to do is help Nights get better.

Nights is waking up, I'm going to leave so he doesn't get nerves about having someone in his room that isn't Reala, I'll see him outside anyway I say good bye to Reala and leave the room hoping that Nights will not be too nerves this time…


	6. Matsu's thoughts

Matsu's thoughts

Adia and Reala are definitely hiding something, and to tell you the truth, I don't want to know what it is.

I'm still wet from when E.C. splashed me, and, when I find her I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. There she is…she must have gone to see Nights…maybe I'll leave her alone.

There's Nights and Reala now, it's time to reassure Nights that I'm not going to hurt him, for the billionth time.

_Here Nights, you remember Matsu right?_

Nights nods hesitantly

Hey Nights; I say kindly.

Nights walks over to me cautiously, _hello Matsu._

He grabs my hands and squeezes them.

I've noticed that Nights has a certain greeting for everyone; he squeezes my hands, he strokes Adia's cheek, he grabs E.C.'s forearms and squeezes them, he pats Reginald's little square head, and, of course, Reala gets a hug.

Nights goes back to Reala's side and hugs him nervously.

_You don't have to worry Nights, _Reala says, _everyone here is very nice, they're _

_not going to hurt you._

Reala says see you soon and tells Nights to say goodbye to me, he says 'goodbye to Matsu.' I smile and he smiles back, then Reala leads him down the hill to get him used to everyone else; I think I'll follow them.

We first meet up with E.C., she says hello to us, and Nights walks over to her and squeezes her forearms; he squeezes a little too hard and she flinches. Nights let's go of her arms and apologize multiple times until E.C. says she's O.K. then Nights gives her a hug and says sorry one more time and then walks back over to Reala and buries his face in Reala's chest. We sit there for a while, then Nights says he wants to start walking again and so we go on.

We meet Adia next, Reala tells Nights to say hello, and he goes over and strokes her cheek. Adia touched his hand and he pulls away and says no, and Adia bows her head. Nights looks at her anxiously, then he puts his hand under her chin and pulls her head back up, he says he's sorry and gives her a hug. Reginald walks over and says hi to everyone which caused Nights to jump and hide behind Reala. Reala tells him that it's O.K. and tells him to go say hello to Reginald. Nights walks over to Reginald warily, and then, seeing that it was O.K., says hello and pats his head. Nights looks around and suddenly notices the crowd around him, he smiles nervously. Reala rubes Nights' shoulders reassuringly, and his smile brightened.

At least Nights will be O.K. these three days, his lapses are usually that long; Reala says if his lapses for longer then a week days he might never come back. I just hope it never comes to that…


End file.
